Happy Designated Driver New Year!

Happy Designated Driver New Year!

So we start off a brand new year!
I resolve to drink plenty of beer!
But don't drink and drive
if you want to stay alive
use a designate to brake and to steer!

Dear precious readers -  Please use a designated driver!

PG or Tamer

PG or Tamer
 

My limericks are PG or tamer.
You can judge if that makes them lamer
than ones that are lewd
or mention what may exude
from orifices I will not name here!

Limericks have a history of being risque.  A few of mine could be rated PG  but the vast majority are acceptable for a general audience.

This blog will be on hiatus until after the New Year.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Dear Readers!

The Ugly Boy

The Ugly Boy

I'm the ugliest boy in the world.
The ugliest you'll ever see.
But my sister -
my ugly sister
Is twice as ugly as me.

The Ugly Boy is one of my rhymes that did not turn into a limerick.  I hesitated publishing it because I did not want my sister thinking incorrectly that it was about her.  It is about a fictitious boy getting even with his fictitious older sister who has tormented him.

The Ugly Hall of Fame

The Ugly Hall of Fame

At the Ugly Hall of Fame
they don't even know my name.
I'm ugly its true,
but compared to you
I'm not even a player in the game.

A companion limerick to my poem, The Ugly Boy.  I will post it tomorrow.

Road Rage

Road Rage

A slow poke driver has me enraged
toddling along with his cell phone engaged.
Please sometime today
get out of my way,
or tomorrow your car will be damaged!

This one popped into my head when my nephew complained in a tweet about an indifferent driver.  There is rarely a day that goes by when I have a personal experience with one myself.  No limericks resulted from any of my encounters with a discourteous driver probably because I was too enraged.

Your Ticket To Heaven

Your Ticket To Heaven

If you want to live eternally
sell off all of your property,
have a sale in your yard,
max out your charge card,
then send all of your cash to me!

What will you get in return?  I will pray for you!

My Will Power

My Will Power

My will power - where did it go?
I need it today but it's a no-show.
It must have a will
of its own but still,
when it departs it should kindly let me know.

What I lack in will power I make up for with a lack in decisiveness!

Short Circuit

Short Circuit

My brain must have a short circuit
that tends to make me forget
what I said today
so tomorrow I'll say,
"My brain must have a short circuit ..."

I used to have an uncanny memory for names that would sometimes get me in trouble.  I would sometimes encounter someone who I had met years earlier and greet them only to realize that they had long since forgotten me (or never knew me to begin with).  They would give me funny looks as I would awkwardly try to explain how I knew them. 

Illinois Ex-Governors

Illinois Ex-Governors

Across the United States
corrupt politicians - everyone hates!
Illinois abhors
its ex-Governors
who are busy now making our license plates!

I do not live in Illinois now but I did when the more recent one of these scoundrels was elected.  All I can say is "Why did I fall that?" and hope that "We won't get fooled again!".

"What a Maroon"

"What a Maroon"

Bugs Bunny said, "What a maroon!"
when faced with an idiot in his cartoon.
Today's GOP
seem like maroons to me.
I wish they'd leave Iowa soon!

When I lived away from Iowa I thought that it was a good idea to have all of the candidates running around Iowa in a cold bleak January for the caucus.  Its too bad that they have been moved to early January to preserve the first in the nation status so the candidates do not have to suffer so much.  Now that I live in Iowa I wish the the caucus was already over.  They should have held it last June!

A Little White Lie Part 2

A Little White Lie Part 2

I looked her right in the eye
and said, "Babe, I'm your kind of guy!"
I told her, "I'll call",
but that was last fall.
It was simply a little white lie.

A couple of my favorite quotes about lying: 

(The Meaning of the Boy Scout Law Excerpted from page 47-54, Boy Scout Handbook, 11th Edition, (#33105), copyright 1998 by BSA, ISBN 0-8395-3105-2) A Scout is Trustworthy. A Scout tells the truth. He is honest, and he keeps his promises. People can depend on him.

(Excalibur 1981) "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." 

A Little White Lie

A Little White Lie

I told him a little white lie.
I told him, "You're my kind of guy!"
He said he would call,
but that was last fall.
I'm sure that he will by and by!

Part one of two.  Dear readers stay tuned to this channel!

Scum Thumb

Scum Thumb

I do not have a very green thumb.
I admit, "It's horticulturally numb!"
Visit my garden and you'll see
that I can only grow algae
in my pond where I don't want the scum.

I do not currently have a pond but I did have one where I previously lived.  I miss the goldfish that grew quite large including a couple that were born in the pond.

Please Turn Off Your Phone

Please Turn Off Your Phone

I got a call on my cell.
It was noisy so I had to yell.
On my way out,
The Pastor did shout,
"You Sir are going to Hell!"

I have written more than one limerick based on cell phone etiquette.  The lack of such etiquette (or reasonable use of cell phones particularly by drivers) is one of my pet peeves.

Austerity

Austerity

Sadly there is no haute coutour
when you are on a budget austere.
My clothes may be rags
with thrift store tags,
but thank God I can still afford beer.

Guess what I've been doing today!  Yep!  Paying bills and grocery shopping.

 Previous Austerity Next

Lefty Grove

Lefty Grove

Talkin' 'round the pot belly stove
'bout being related to Lefty Grove.
If we share DNA -
then why can't I play?
Why am I so clumsy with a ball and a glove?

Hall of fame pitcher Robert Moses "Lefty" Grove is my 3rd cousin twice removed, related to me through my Grandfather Merlyn Guessford.  Another left handed pitcher with more than 200 wins, Earl Whitehill is my 1st cousin twice removed, related through my Grandmother Alice (Merlyn's wife).   In the one face to face meeting between them (the first between 2 left handed pitchers with more than 200 wins) Lefty got the win!

Baseball's Hall of Shame

Baseball's Hall of Shame

At Baseball's Hall of Fame
They've omitted a great of the game.
Ron Santo's not included.
The voters are deluded.
They should hide their faces in shame!

I wrote Baseball's Hall of Shame in 2007.  It has taken a few years but the news came today that Ron has been elected.  What a shame that it did not come before his death but better late than never. 

Limeade

Limeade

It was 90 degrees in the shade.
The kids squeezed a vat of limeade.
A circus came through
and elephant pooh

ruined all of the ade that they made.

I watched Water for Elephants today.  I recommend both the book and the movie.  After that, Limeade seemed like an appropriate limerick for the blog.

Style

Style

If you happen to think I have style,
I'm sorry but you miss by a mile.
I own blue red and gray
and what I'm wearing today
I just happened to grab from the pile.

What I lack in style I more than make up for with a lack of fashion sense.

My Grade Point

My Grade Point

I told my teacher that I didn't care
about trash or smog or the ozone layer.
So she failed me
in ecology.
Now my grade point's beyond repair!

This is one of my limericks that is doubly inconsistent with my true nature.  From an early age, based upon Boy Scout training, I have been a believer in conservation and in being a good steward of this planet.  Also, in my school days, I was academically competitive and worked hard to maintain a high grade point.