Honeymoon

Honeymoon

On their honeymoon, this is the truth,
they set out for St. Paul in Bob's Plymouth.
Ann said, "After today,
we can go all the way!"
So Bob drove all the way to Duluth.

Honeymoon is one of the original Bob & Ann limericks. It is based on a joke that was told when we gathered at a bar the night before my brother-in-law's wedding. 

Strip Poker

Strip Poker

Playing poker, I felt a rush.
Sue gave a tell with her blush.
Down to panties and bra.
A forth jack in my draw.
But I lost my shorts to her flush.

My advice on gambling is to never bet more than you can afford to lose!

Halloween Mask

Halloween Mask

Bob bought a new mask for Halloween
the ugliest one that he'd ever seen.
Ann said, "You look better!
Is that a new sweater?
It makes your face look a little less green."

Bob & Ann first appeared in my limericks when co-workers coincidentally named Bob & Ann got married.  I prepared for Bob a bootable floppy diskette and stuck it into his PC.  When Bob came back to work following his honeymoon and turned on his computer he was faced with a series of limericks.  Bob & Ann limericks from this series will appear in this blog from time to time,

I found it convenient to keep on writing limericks that feature Bob (or Robert) and Ann or (Annie) using one or two syllables for the names to fit the meter that sounds best.

Zeno's Paradox

Zeno's Paradox

"Are we there yet?" the children say.
"We're tired of driving all day."
No matter how fast we drive,
we can never arrive

'cause we first have to go half-way.

Zeno's Paradox, like several others, was inspired by a church sermon.  In that setting, you might think that it was divinely inspired but I'm not convinced.  There may have been other forces involved.

I Always Cry at Weddings

I Always Cry at Weddings

It is a burden that I must carry.
At weddings I'm "crybaby" Gary.
I fall apart
'cause it breaks my heart
to see the jerks that these girls marry!

We are back to pure fiction boys & girls.  I do not remember ever crying at a wedding no matter how big a jerk the groom was.

This Paper Seems Thinner

This Paper Seems Thinner

I open my paper. Let's see what's inside!
News of a scandal and a homicide.
Who is the game winner?
This paper seems thinner!
The crime and the sport pages coincide!

Did I say that my limericks were works of fiction?  This Paper Seems Thinner appears to ring true on a couple of points.  Depending on the internet to provide me with accurate information, I do not currently subscribe to a newspaper.  It is up to you, dear reader, to determine the truth in this one.

Wayne Wayne Go Away

Wayne Wayne Go Away

I fell in love with Jane.
But alas, Jane was married to Wayne.
Then I fell for Liz,
but her husband is
another Wayne.  I'm going insane.

As with most of my limericks Wayne Wayne Go Away is a work of fiction.  This limerick popped into my head in (of all places) a church service one Sunday morning.  From where I was sitting I could see two quite real lovely ladies, Jane and Elizabeth, sitting in the front pew across from me next to their real husbands, both named Wayne.  Other than the coincidence of the real names of my friends in church matching the fictitious names of the characters in  Wayne Wayne Go Away, this limerick has no basis in reality.
 

Friends Forever

Friends Forever

Time or distance never will sever
our friendship will last forever.
I often find
that you occupy my mind
with thoughts of when we were together.

Because of its syrupy contents, I think of Friends Forever as my Hallmark limerick.  

 

I did not have anyone specific in mind when it popped into my mind.  After it appeared and was written down, when I read it back, it brings to mind the kids that I grew up with; my neighborhood playmates, by buddies in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, my high school band mates, and my very good friends in my church youth group. 

Eyelids

Eyelids

In the movie I watch on my eyelids
I meet a girl, get married, have kids.
The doctors all say
It will all go away
if I only stop skipping my meds.

Eyelids is another one of my medical limericks.  It is about dreams and addiction or the lack of them.

Your Gastrointestinal Tract

Your Gastrointestinal Tract

Your Gastrointestinal tract
is under constant attack.
You stuff it with fries
and hot apple pies,
along with a Coke and Big Mac!

This is one of my medical limericks.  It was inspired by a poster I could not help but notice in my doctor's examination room while I was w.a..i...t....i.....n......g!

Gary's Guide to Photography

Gary's Guide to Photography

Take your camera and point
at the prettiest girl in the joint,
then you just snap -
"Take off the lens cap!"
You are a photographer adroit!

A chess opponent in my college computer lab gave me a book called 'Chess Made Simple'.  It was a good book and it helped me to improve my chess game.  More recently lines of self-help books have come out titled something like 'Limerick Writing for Dummies' or 'The Idiot's Guide to Limerick Writing'. 

Even though there are a number of subjects (such as limerick writing) where a self-help book might be useful to dispel my ignorance, I have refused to buy any 'for Dummies' or 'Idiot's Guides'.  I have no doubt that some of the books in these series might be well written, informative guides but, until they come with a non-demeaning title, I do not want them on my bookshelf.

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The Moon

The Moon

After learning to fly a balloon,
We sent rockets with men to the moon.
I wanted my turn
but was sorry to learn
we're not going back there any time soon.

I've always been a fan of manned space flight but limiting ourselves to the near space of earth orbit is not enough.  Let's build a permanent lunar base and send a mission or two to Mars!

Promises Made Back in the Day

Promises Made Back in the Day

When I was back in 'maybe' grade three
my Weekly Reader promised 'the future me'
a car aviated
and a house automated
to clean itself up automatically.

As I recall, the flying cars that we all would to have were to be powered by their own little nuclear reactors.  I'm sure that the automated house would know how to dispose of all that depleted uranium!

I Bruise Easily

I Bruise Easily

On the day I boarded my cruise
I fell and got a big bruise.
All over the ship
they point at my hip
and ask,  "Is that mauve or chartreuse?"

Even though my limericks are mostly fiction some carry an element of truth.  While in fact I have never been on a cruise to date, I do bruise easily.

Danica Patrick Action Toy

Danica Patrick Action Toy

The Danica Patrick action toy
is the favorite of every girl and boy.
Put her crash helmet on!
Play from dusk until dawn
making race car sounds that annoy!

Danica Patrick has been a favorite of mine.  Since she was from nearby Roscoe, IL, I read about her racing exploits in the Rockford Register Star long before she became famous nationwide and of course when she did become famous, the paper ran several features about the local heroine.  

This limerick however is more about annoying noisy toys than Danica.  It appears that a toy cannot be marketed these days unless it makes electronic noise.  Are today's kids too lazy and uncreative to provide their own sound effects?

ig-Pay atin-Lay

ig-Pay atin-Lay

The National Security Agency
likely has a wiretap on me,
so if you text me today
use ig-pay atin-lay!
Phone only in an emergency!

Sa fi taht dluow pleh!

Hair Today - Goon Tomorrow

Hair Today - Goon Tomorrow

Listen once I won't say this again,
Teasing causes me only small pain.
I'll tell you what's scary
I'd rather be hairy
than bald and in need of Rogaine.

I remember being teased in school.  Luckily I was always sharp enough to come up with a retort,  Unfortunately though, not a quick retort.  The perfect comeback would pop into my head a few hours after the event - too late to be of any retaliatory use. 

My slow brain undoubtedly saved me from a few slaps, bruised arms, and black eyes, and provided my subconscious with the kernels for several limericks dredged out later in life.

Read This at Your Own Risk

Read This at Your Own Risk

They say that an apple a day
will keep the doctor away.
A daily limerick - I'm warning -
Will cause trouble the morning
men in white coats come to take you away.

According to their sagas, poets were revered in the age of the Icelanders.  They were welcomed to the court to entertain the King.  I suppose that poets are still revered today if you can put a tune to their rhymes, add a beat, and dance to them.  

As a frustrated song writer capable at best of scratching out a few limericks I do not expect to be revered but at least I can try to share some of  the blame with the reader!  Why should the class clown be the only one to get detention when the whole class giggles?

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Mrs. Q

Mrs. Q

The anonymous blogger Mrs. Q
was revealed as none other than Sarah Wu.
She followed her hunch
and wrote 'Fed Up With Lunch'.
Sarah we're very proud of you!

Sarah's Blog

Now the story can be told.  My son & daughter-in-law's friend Sarah was anonymously writing a blog.  My wife was visiting them while Sarah, incognito, appeared on Good Morning America.  DIL told her MIL about it.  

 

Later Son was talking to his Mother about this school lunch blog that he was following and she asked, "Do you mean Sarah's blog?", thinking that he already knew about it.  Nope, he had been following without knowing that his friend was the author and had to face the indignity that his Mother knew something that he didn't.  We all faithfully kept Sarah's secret until she revealed herself publicly earlier this month to promote the release of her book based on the blog.

The World's Most Interesting Man

The World's Most Interesting Man

I'm the world's most interesting man
with a beard, messed up hair, and a tan.
I drink Mexican beer
and once shed a tear
just to see if I could and I can!

Many of my limericks are timeless.  Like The Nits of Columbus, that hopefully will make sense as long as there is a Columbus Day, they last and last with little degradation in their entertainment value.

A few are topical and depend on a knowledge of current events to be totally appreciated.  I think that The World's Most Interesting Man will end up in that category someday along with other passe limericks from my archives that are likely to show up on this blog from time to time.  Once the TV ads for Dos Equis beer that inspired this one have run their course, I don't think that this limerick will be as funny as it is today.   Read it quickly my friends!

The Nits of Columbus

The Nits of Columbus

Calling "land-ho!" from the deck,
Columbus began to wreak havoc
With a cough and a sneeze
in the Caribbean Breeze.
The start of a New World pandemic.

Happy Columbus Day!   (Chris gets far too much credit for discovering what the Vikings knew was there for a few hundred years or so.) 

Disclaimer

Limericks

Before I brighten your day,
there is one thing that I have to say,"
"Don't pay a retainer
'till you read the disclaimer!"
What is it? Up-up or away? 

When I started publishing limericks on my own web site, the reader was first shown this limerick and given the choices:  

Away or Up-Up

If you chose Away you were returned to my Home page.  If you chose Up-Up then you were presented with the a new page with my disclaimer:

Disclaimer: 

The names used in these limericks were chosen only for their characteristics of rhyme and meter. All events depicted are fictitious and were created for entertainment value only. Any resemblance to an actual person or persons (living or deceased), or to any couples (married, unmarried, separated, or divorced), or to any actual event or series of events is purely coincidental. The author has never been to law, medical, or divinity school and has never been ordained, passed the bar, ot completed his residency. He is not a priest, pastor. parson, attorney, or medical doctor. Please disregard any religious, legal, or medical information contained within these limericks!  

 After this you were presented with these two choices

I wish to preserve my innocence and return to the previous page 

or 

I am of sound mind and good vision. I have read and accept the disclaimer. 

Only if you accepted could you continue reading my limericks. 

Unfortunately, unlike the HTML files of my web pages,  this blog does not include the controls to prevent the reader from proceeding without accepting but be assured dear reader:

The disclaimer still applies!  

You Can't Do Both

You Can't Do Both

"When I grow up," Davey said to his mother.
"I'll play trumpet." His Mom said, "Oh Brother!"
"You'll grow up some day
or you might learn to play.
You can't do both - choose one or the other!"

I started playing trumpet when I was in 6th grade and played through high school.  I considered myself a mediocre player at best and was firmly entrenched in the middle of my high school trumpet section.  I enjoyed being in the band and, in spite of some performance anxiety, enjoyed performing.  Highlights of my band career were concerts with trumpeters Doc Severensen as a guest soloist my Junior year and Rafael Mendez my Senior year.

I did not play for over thirty years but then took it up again when my kids were in high school.  I first played at my older son's high school in Rockford, IL when his director recruited parents to play with the Senior band.  Then when another trumpeter quit the brass ensemble at our church, Christ Lutheran Church (CLC) in Richmond, VA.  I joined to get a chance to play along with my daughter who was already playing trumpet in the group.  Davey in this limerick is named for Dave Triplett who was the lead trumpeter in the CLC Brass Ensemble.  When I moved from Richmond back to Rockford I joined the Kishwaukee Valley Community Band.  

When she heard this limerick, Dave's wife Kim said, "How true!" 

Baseball

Baseball

I can purchase a bat and a glove
to play the game that I love,
but dollars and cents
can't buy the talents
they come as a gift from above.

I have always loved baseball.  I did not have the opportunity to play any kind of organized ball when I was a kid but I made up for it later on.  I coached Boy's Club teams for my oldest son and Little League teams for my younger son.  There are several baseball related limericks in my collection that will be posted in the days to come.

In The Beginning

In The Beginning

In the beginning there was nothing in sight.
Then God said, "Let there be light!"
There was still nothing yet
but at least you could see it.
God said, "Tomorrow we'll have day and night."

I have been composing limericks for quite some time.  I posted them on my own web pages for awhile but when the social networking sites came along, I started posting them first on Myspace and then as facebook notes. 

Why then do I want to repost them on a blog?

A couple of reasons.  First of all I hope to reach a larger audience and second, in a blog format, I can say a little bit more about them.

 

In The Beginning came from a comedy line that stuck in my memory.  I turned it into a limerick,  Unfortunately I do not remember the comedian or I would give him credit for his original words:

"In the beginning there was nothing.  Then God said let there be light and there was still nothing but you could see it."

It was nowhere near the first of  my limericks but it is a good one to start this blog.