Good Things Come to People who Wait

Good Things Come to People who Wait

"Good things come to people who wait"
If you believe that then you'll be too late.
When the turkey is passed
just don't be last
or you may end up with an empty plate.

Moses & The Burning Bush

Moses & The Burning Bush

On a mountain off in the desert somewhere
Moses spoke to a woman with fiery red hair.
When he came back down
he brought back to town
stone tablet commands she wanted to share.

Blog Breastfeeding Baby Picture Policy

Blog Breastfeeding Baby Picture Policy

A nursing baby is okay.
None at all - Pump away!
But I have to send
a suckling boyfriend
on his way to the blog risque.

Political Horror

Political Horror

Am I dreaming or is this a joke?
This Senator-Elect from out near Red Oak.
Is she anything more
than a Political Horror
bought by two brothers named Koch? 

When Rod Blagojevich tried to sell Illinois' senate seat, He went to jail.  I wonder who'll go to jail on this one?

Political Endorsements

Political Endorsements

If you look for a political endorsement
on this blog you face disappointment
There is no candidate
that I think is first rate
that has sent along an adequate payment.

I will however call an unworthy candidate a maroon in the Bugs Bunny/Looney Tunes sense of the word.  For example: Joni Ernst - What a maroon!

Iowa Balls

 

Internet picture - it remains the property of the original owner.

Iowa Balls

Joni Ernst will cut off your balls
and sell them in congressional halls.
She'll serve them with tea.
She's beholding you see
and must answer when Koch brothers call.

Joni Ernst - What a maroon! 

Arthur's Lucky Day

Arthur's Lucky Day

"Only for art am I willing to pose
nude from my head to my toes."
I'm glad I came!
Arthur's my name.
So girl take off all your clothes!

The First Man on the Moon (The True Story)

The First Man on the Moon
(The True Story)

Buzz and Neil made Jim go out first.
They were afraid he'd sink or something worse.
Then they had him hide
while they were outside
once assured that their suits wouldn't burst.

Hiatus

 

Hiatus

It created a tremendous fuss
when I put my blog on hiatus.
Oh why did I try it?
It started a riot.
Fans are steaming and starting to cuss.

Steak Fry

 

Steak Fry

At Tom Harkin's annual steak fry
please tell the Senator, "Hi!"
You might remind him
I met him at the state gym
back when he was a regular guy.

Au Naturel

Au Naturel

I doused myself with an ice bucket pail
and ended up in the county jail.
"Do it au naturel",
said my nominating pal!
You're challenged to donate and pay my bail!

The ALS Challenge

The ALS Challenge

The participants deserve our applause
but I might be in trouble because
it is likely considered negligent
comparing it to a wet T-shirt event
when the ALS Challenge is for such a good cause.

Grandpa's Advice

Grandpa's Advice

I'd like to fool around with my cousin
but Grandma says,  "It's a sin."
Grandpa says, "Fornicate
before it's too late
and erectile dysfunction sets in!"

Grandpa's Rhyme

Grandpa's Rhyme

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
but it keeps them on my knife.

My mother attributes this one to her Dad, my Grandfather, Merlyn Guessford.

The Grand Obstructionist Party Part 2

Governor Robert D. Ray

The Grand Obstructionist Party Part 2

I hope and I wish and I pray
that Republicans would just go away.
Since the days of Ike
there is not one I like
except for Governor Ray.

A Few Regrets

A Few Regrets

I missed seeing Elvis Presley live
and the moon launch of a Saturn Five.
Some words that I said
Should have stayed in my head
and I no longer have my Camaro to drive.

Some of my Aero E. classmates from Iowa State took a motor home to Florida to see the nighttime launch of Apollo 17 on the final lunar mission.  I did not go.  I had tickets to see Elvis on one of his last tours but had to go on a business trip.  I  missed the show.  I did not really need to trade in the Camaro when we bought a larger more practical new car.  Oops!

Global Warming

 

 

Global Warming

Global warming may come to be
along with a rising sea.
If it will assuage
the next ice age,
it will not bother me.

300 Posts

300 Posts

Boys and Girls give a cheer
for Post 300 on this blog right here!
If just a few annoy
but most you enjoy
then stop by and buy this writer a beer!

Back in the Day - John Lennon

Internet picture - it remains the property of the original owner.

Back in the Day - John Lennon

Back in the day I wondered why
if John Lennon could do it - why couldn't I?
But I really do not
want to get shot
by a lunatic 'cause I am famous and die.

Spiders

Spiders

When you flush a spider alive
it can live in the sewer and thrive.
In the dark they breed
and spew out their seed.
I dread the day when they all arrive!

Limerick Trio

My Daughter-In-Law

My Daughter-in -law's a vegetarian.
She's half Danish, half Cedar Rapidian.
She's an Iowa State grad
and that ain't half bad,
so I didn't object to the marryin'.

My Son-in-law

My son-in-law is a vegetarian.
His parents are proud Iowa Citians.
It makes me sad
he's an Iowa grad.
What's worse is he's actually married to one.

The Girl from Olney

My young son developed eyes only
for the Illini girl from Olney!
It seems only fittin'
that once he'd been smitten
that they'd start thinking matrimonally!

Dear readers - today you get a special treat.  A trio of limericks written for the wonderful marriage partners of my three children.

Back in the day - Kathy

 

 

Back in the day - Kathy

I know a girl called Kathy.
She must have tele-pathy.
She can annoy
any nice boy
to the point of psycho-pathy.

Cousin Gary - a guest limerick by Russell Warren Bedillion

Dear readers, today we have a guest limerick written and illustrated by my distant cousin.  Thank you Russ.

Birthday Suit

Birthday Suit

She brought me back to her dorm room to play
strip poker. I just have to say
the coed looked cute
in her birthday suit.

I tell you it was my lucky day.

Easter

Easter

In the bible look what I've found -
a dead guy came out of the ground.
As a result
a huge zombie cult
has taken hold the whole world around.

Office Pool

Office Pool

The boss said that he was disgusted
when our tournament brackets were busted,
"I can't have a fool
running the pool.
You're fired since you can't be trusted."

Unfortunately, dear readers, my brackets are busted.  Wait 'til next year.

One Little Letter Part 2 by Jim Harris

 

One Little Letter Part 2

by Jim Harris

"Then" suggests there will be "and".
"Than" draws a line in the sand.
If the truth shall be told
"Than" leaves me out in the cold.
The first word is what I had planned.

A guest post in response to yesterday's limerick.  Thank you Jim.

One Little Letter

One Little Letter

"I prefer to cuddle th?n have sex."
What did she say?  I am perplexed.
One little letter
I like 'e' much better.
'Than' means never. 'Then' means next.

One Little Letter was inspired by a facebook post of my friend Jim Harris.  Thank you Jim!

Crimea

Crimea

Like when Saddam invaded Kuwait
we should go after Putin ... but wait!
There's no oil there
so I guess we don't care.
We can sit on our ass and just contemplate.

Oscar Night

Oscar Night

Awards were piling up left and right
for Speed 3 on Oscar night.
Miss Congeniality 3?
It's called Gravity?
Another Force of Nature for Sandra to fight.

I wonder who the host will be for the Limerick awards?

Leaving Iowa City

 

 

 Leaving Iowa City

For Stephanie's friends have some pity
when that pretty girl leaves Iowa City
for a new job at Lowe's
'cause it really blows
and everyone but Erin feels shitty.

Authentic Tiffany Lamps

Authentic Tiffany Lamps

If you want a lamp from Tiffany
there is a blog that you should see!
Before you invest
check with Dennis
and make sure you don't get a forgery!

Please note dear readers that the illustration is mine and does not represent a genuine Tiffany lamp.

The 2016 Summer Games

The 2016 Summer Games

When the skiers and the skaters from Sochi have gone
with the bronze and the silver and the gold they have won,
I look forward to Rio
but I wonder if they know
that it'll be winter there when those games are on?

A Ton of Bricks

 

A Ton of Bricks

The universe decides to give you a kick
and you're not even the one who is sick.
It's a bitter pill
when a loved one is ill.
It hits you like a ton of bricks.

Happy Birthday Carolyn

 

 

Happy Birthday Carolyn

Even though I'm well Known as a limerick bard
coming up with a rhyme for your birthday is hard.
Before I tank
'cause my mind's a blank
I'll plagiarize one from a hallmark card.

Back in the Day - A Slap on the Cheeks

 

Back in the Day - A Slap on the Cheeks

Back in the day I got a slap on the face.
I deserved it due to my lack of grace.
If mother finds out
there is no doubt
I'll get a slap in another cheeky place.

In my defense, dear readers, the girl was older, bigger, stronger, and could outrun me.

Million Dollar Limerick

Million Dollar Limerick

I've written the world's most fantastic rhyme.
It is humorous, heart wrenching, subtle, sublime.
Golly gee! oh dear!
I can't print it here.
It's unsuitable for prime time.

I could use the million dollars though.  If you've got any extra cash in your tax refunds,  dear readers,  send it along to me.

Go to State U.

Go to State U.

Land grant college practicality
always trumps ivy league snobbery.
Here's what you do -
Go to State U.
and get educated economically!

See you in Ames boys & girls.

Back in the Day - Can'ts

 

Back in the Day - Can'ts

I learned very early the can and the can'ts
when I got paddled for being errant.
Take this to the bank -
you'll get a spank
when you go outdoors with no pants!

 

All the way Back in the Day to pre-kindergarten.

First Aid Kit

 

 

First Aid Kit

If the life you live is boring
Get some bandaids and a little Neosporin,
but if you get wild itches
you'll likely need stitches
and a tetanus shot in the morning.

Dear Readers, Take it from an old Boy Scout!  Be prepared!

Back in the Day - Homeroom

 

 

Back in the Day - Homeroom

I have a feeling of impending doom.
I might make a mess in my fruit of the looms.
I failed to write
my term paper last night?
I'll just finish it off in homeroom!

Procrastination carried to the extreme.  Are you guilty dear Readers?

Winter in Bear Bottom

Winter in Bear Bottom

In Bear Bottom when it gets really cold
going outdoors is  foolish or bold.
Most people can be found
relaxing underground.
Their hot springs cave is a sight to behold.

Dear readers, Bear Bottom is a fictional town usually featured on my risque limerick blog.  Fortunately Winter in Bear Bottom is rated PG.

Guest Post Collection

Dear readers, What a treat I have for you today.  I'm afraid that the severe winter weather has adversely affected my friends and given them rhymatic fever.  I'm afraid it may be contagious.  Here are three rhymes that showed up on Fans of Gary's Limericks.

A Friend Named Gary

 by Linda D. Keener

I once had a friend named Gary,
whose chin and face were quite hairy.
He played and he sang
with my church music gang,
and really was extraordinary!

On Misspent Youth Part Deux

by Dennis R. Tesdell

Young Dennis watched his Stooges, Mickey and Lassie too,
Didn't seem to hurt his mind badly, cause he can toss a limerick or two,
But think him uncouth if you wish and think he might even go to Hell,
For Dennis has fond memories still, dreaming 'bout "Timmy in the well."

 Tall Dennis Plays Ball With Small Kim

by Dennis R. Tesdell

Tall tattooed Dennis took friends to see dictator Kim
Stating basketball was it - nothin' was in it for him;
When asked about it all,
Rodman slurred mad retorts with his ball,
I hope his rehab home has good doctors and a gym.

Chris And The Bridge by Dennis Tesdell

Chris And The Bridge

by Dennis Tesdell

The portly governor of Jersey State,
Had staff who were playin' with his fate;
His nemesis has been the big fridge
Til his cronies messed with a major bridge,
Now we'll see if his "sorry's" came too late. 

Dear Readers, You get a special bonus today.  In addition to another guest post from my friend Dennis, you also get one from me.  Two for the price of one!

My Friend Dennis

My friend, Dennis, is becoming prolific
with rhymes but, let's be specific,
I feel like a hog
including them on my blog.
A blog of his own would, I think, be terrific!

If you agree with me and think that Dennis should be blogging make sure that you comment!

Misspent Youth

Misspent Youth

You've uncovered, Dennis, a very sad truth.
I watched the Three Stooges in my misspent youth.
The modern version make me sick;
Karl, G.W., and Dick.
Mom thinks that they are uncouth.

This is, dear readers, my answer to yesterday's guest limerick by my friend Dennis.  Look forward to more tomorrow.

A Man Named Gary - a guest limerick by Dennis R. Tesdell

 

A Man Named Gary

by Dennis R. Tesdell

There lives now a nice man named Gary,
who writes ditties about Shemp, Moe and Larry;
He loves writing about a cause,
and he adds what he draws,
and his viewers are kept very merry.

Dear readers here is a guest limerick (the best kind) submitted by my friend Dennis.  The title and drawing are mine so do not blame Dennis for those.

Stark Raving Mad

Stark Raving Mad
(based on a interview comment made by George R. R. Martin)

"When a critic spews out malarkey
and says that my plots are too dark,
he doesn't make me mad
when he says my writing is bad,
but I sit down and kill off a Stark!"

Oops!  Too late for a spoiler alert. 

Sgt. Pepper's Band

Sgt. Pepper's Band

64 was a long way off you know
when Billy Shears started the show.
"Will you still need me?
Will you still feed me?"
Where the heck did all those years go?

Happy birthday Dee Ann!

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year 2014

Such a cause for celebration
that usually leads to inebriation
This year it's a shame
Mike & Ike get champagne
while their wives are deprived by their sprouts' gestation.

Happy New Year Boys & Girls!

In the Garden

In the Garden

I read Genesis and it seems to me
that the lord approves of nudity.
He made Eve and Adam
and the lord had 'em
naked in the garden where anyone could see!

Dear readers, it has been awhile but finally here is another biblical limerick for your spiritual pleasure.

Wizard Twister

 

 

Wizard Twister

Harry played wizard twister
teamed up with Ron's little sister
It's about the same
as the ordinary game
but he can use his wand to assist her.

It makes more sense that Quidditch.