Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Honey! Baby Hughie Needs Changin'

Honey! Baby Hughie Needs Changin'

This story isn't very funny. 
I fell in love with a playboy bunny.
Now I feel harried
'cause as soon as we married,
she gave birth to an eight kit colony.

Baby Hughie was named for Hugh Hefner. 

At Franklin Junior High in Des Moines in the '60s, one of my classmates, Randy, bragged that he had his own Playboy subscription. Naturally the rest of us were disbelievers so to prove it, he stupidly brought an issue in its plain brown wrapper with address label attached to school. In a moment of inattention, he let it get swiped. At the close of the day we amused ourselves by listening at the open door while Randy tried to describe the missing object to our homeroom teacher. From the glint in her eye and the tone when she asked him, "What sort of periodical?", I figured that she already knew the sort of periodical that Randy had lost. For the next two weeks or so the Playboy was passed around to the other boys in the class and then it was finally returned in its plain brown wrapper carefully placed in a spot where Randy may have accidentally mislaid it so that our teacher would find it, confiscate it, and Randy could get the detention he deserved for bringing such a thing to school.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

"Candy Is Dandy"

"Candy Is Dandy"

"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."
One makes her fatter , the other just sicker.
Thank you Ogden Nash!
My girl prefers cash.
The price?  Well, we have to dicker!

The first line of my limerick "Candy Is Dandy" is a poem by Ogden Nash.  I checked out a volume of Ogden Nash poetry from my high school library back in the day and have been a fan ever since.  I lost the book and ended up having to pay for it.  I continuously checked to see if it reappeared on the shelves but it never did.  Evidently whoever found the book was a bigger fan than I was.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Your Skin

Your Skin

What a wonderful thing is your skin!
The suit that you were born in.
From your head to your toe
it expands when you grow
and still fits if you're fat or you're thin.

Thank you for your patience dear readers for the Thanksgiving holiday hiatus.  Your Skin is one of my pseudo-medical limericks. Hopefully yours did not expand too much because of the Thanksgiving feasting!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Young Republican and His Roommate

The Young Republican and His Roommate
 (1969)

Hippy diatribe makes me sick.
"Ban the bomb! Impeach tricky Dick!"
What havoc I'd wreak
on that long-haired freak
'cept I enjoy free-lovin' his chick.

The late '60s and early '70s - what an interesting time to be in college. 

This blog will be on hiatus until after Thanksgiving.  Have a great holiday dear readers!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Captain Wally Schirra

Captain Wally Schirra

Gemini, Apollo, Mercury,
one astronaut flew all three.
So I say, "Hurrah!
Captain Wally Schirra
As superb as a pilot can be!"

Captain Wally Schirra is one of my brush with greatness limericks.  I had the pleasure of seeing him and hearing him speak at an American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics conference in Denver in the spring of 1973. 

I presented a paper at the conference and it did not go well.  The bulb in the slide projector burnt out and my talk was delayed while another projector was rounded up.  The slide tray from the first one did not fit the second so all the slides had to be transferred from one to another.  After transfer, the slides ended upside down requiring another delay.  I was so nervous after that that I gave my carefully rehearsed 5 minute presentation in about 3 minutes.  My paper did not win a prize.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Shopping List

Shopping List

One cannot live by bread alone.
At least that's what I hear.
So when I go to the grocery store,
I also buy whiskey and beer.

Occasionally I come up with a verse that does not make it into limerick form. Shopping List is not a limerick, dear readers, and I cannot promise that other non-limericks will not be published here from time to time. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Crispy Cream

Crispy Cream

When you crave that crispy cream treat
remember you are what you eat.
You'd better beware
'cause if that eclair
oozes fat, then so will your feet!

However you should make sure that you eat a donut (or some other orbital shaped treat) on April 12th, International Space Day!

Previous Gary's Guide Next

Monday, November 14, 2011

Genetic Mutation

Genetic Mutation

Mom's ancestor Back in Allegheny
and Dad's way back in Germany,
both married a cousin
so I can count to a dozen
on my fingers 'cause I got that many.

One of my hobbies is family history.  It started out harmlessly enough when I tried to list my wife's cousins. My legacy family tree database has grown considerably from there.   Along the way, I encountered all kinds of tantalizing tidbits of trivia.  Perhaps there are other family secrets that will inspire a limerick or two in the future. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Bottle Bill

Bottle Bill

Thanks to Governor Robert D. Ray
Iowans who litter have to pay
for each container a dime,
toss your empty - no crime,
You're just throwing your refund away.

Bottle Bill is another one of my brush with greatness limericks.  The following is a note about my most recent encounter with Iowa Governor Robert D. Ray:

Bob Ray
Brush With Greatness - Dave Threatens Governor Ray

While he was running for Governor of Iowa in 1967 and 1968. Robert D. Ray (known to me then as Bob Ray) was my Sunday School teacher. He and another Bob, Bob Bergland, taught my class of High School seniors at what was then University (now First) Christian Church in Des Moines, Iowa.
University Christian Church, Des Moines, Iowa
Bob won the election. I went to Iowa State where I met Dee Ann and we married in the Spring of 1970. During a trip to Ames to visit Dee Ann and me, my brother Dave ran short of cash for his trip home. In those days, prior to ATMs, the easiest way to get cash for Dave was for him to write a check made out to me that I could exchange for cash at the Iowa State Memorial Union. Dave waited for me in a narrow hallway outside the second floor cashier's office at the Union while I was inside performing the transaction.

Iowa State Memorial Union
Across the hall Governor Ray had just finished delivering a speech to a packed ballroom and he emerged into the narrow hallway while the crowd behind him in the ballroom was still applauding. Dave immediately recognized him and stepped forward to greet him. At that instant I came out of the cashier's office to the sight of Dave standing toe to toe and chest to chest with a burly highway patrolman, Governor Ray's bodyguard. The patrolman, seeing Dave as a threat, had stepped forward and sandwiched himself between Dave and the Governor. Bob had not recognized Dave but he immediately recognized me. He stepped aside of his bodyguard, greeted me, and shook my hand.

Dave
I quickly introduced Dave who managed to get an arm far enough around the bodyguard to shake hands with the Governor. There we were wedged in the tight little closet sized space exchanging pleasant greetings, Bob asking about how my Mom and Dad were and where they were now living since he remembered that they had moved from Des Moines. Me asking about Billie (Mrs. Ray) and his daughters. We were joined by Bob's aide who had also squeezed his way out of the ballroom. The aide and Dave had earlier been acquainted at Drake University so now the four of us were amicably chatting in the narrow hallway while the perturbed looking bodyguard remained conjoined at the hip with Dave. Meanwhile the packed room full of people who had attended the Governor's speech had stopped applauding and were unhappily bunching up at the rear of the ballroom blocked from exiting by the bottleneck that we had created.

The Governor noticed the disquiet in the doorway behind him and ushered me though another door leading to the stairway. Bob's aide, Dave, and Dave's new best friend, the bodyguard, followed. This relieved the pressure in the hallway and a trickle of people were now able to exit the ballroom. We continued to chat with Bob and his aide as we slowly descended the stairs and exited the Union. Outside on a bright spring day, we stepped away from the door to clear the way for those exiting behind us, exchanged another round of handshakes, and said a final goodbye. Only then did the bodyguard peel himself away from Dave's side and resume protection of the Governor from other more serious threats.








Saturday, November 12, 2011

TP

TP

Whenever Ann sits down to pee
she uses a lot of TP.
Ann fills the bowl
with about half a roll.
Timber!  There goes another tree.


Thankfully our forests are a renewable resource but that may not be enough.  Recycle boys & girls!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Our Director Is Better Than Yours

Our Director Is Better Than Yours

Your director is good.  Yeah I've seen her
but I'm sick  of your haughty demeanor.
Your altos are flat
and your organ goes "blat".
Yours may be sharp but Linda is keener!

Our Director Is Better Than Yours was written in honor of my choir director at Christ Lutheran Church in Richmond, Virginia.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Beer Belly




Beer Belly

Bob loved his beer quite a lot!
He developed a king sized beer gut.
If you roll him over
a tattoo you'll discover -
his 'born on date' etched on his butt!

I guess that nowadays Bob needs a tattoo of frosty cold mountains that turn blue when he's properly refrigerated.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dan Gable

Dan Gable

When I went face-to-face with Dan Gable,
in no time at all he was able
to tie me into a knot
and I never thought
that my body was nearly that pliable.

Since wrestling season is here, it is time to publish Dan Gable.  

This is one of my Brush With Greatness limericks that feature a person of note that I have encountered in my lifetime.  I had the pleasure of seeing Dan wrestle at Iowa State.  Once I recognized him on campus, said "hi", and he said "hi" back.  He went on to win Olympic gold and to become the most successful coach in NCAA history at the University of Iowa I saw Dan again there at the Iowa field house when he greeted hundreds of young wrestlers from Eastern Iowa (my son among them) for a big meet.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fighting Weight

Fighting Weight

I think it would really be great
if I could get back to my fighting weight!
So I exercise
and watch portion size.
I should get there by two thousand fifty eight!

It pays to have goals!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Beach Near Brighton


A Beach Near Brighton

I put my sandals, my suit, and my hat on
and took a walk on a beach down near Brighton.
I couldn't help but stare
at a girl I saw there.
A bikini was more than she had on.

 

I was taking a walk in Spring Lake Estates in Rockford., IL one day and found myself on a street called Haddon Place.  Once that street name became embedded in my brain, A Beach Near Brighton developed itself from those two little words  - had on.  Brighton is from The Who's Quadrophenia.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Loose Rhyme

Loose Rhyme

Making out in her daddy's car.
Amazed that I'd gotten that far.
Wishing and groping
sweaty fingers hoping
that I could somehow unfasten her bra.

It sort of sounds like it rhymes but I have to agree with what my sister's assessment of Loose Rhyme.  It doesn't!

Friday, November 4, 2011

The Master of Distraction


  
The Master of Distraction

You are the master of distraction.
Misdirection hides your action.
Fool me once - shame on you!
Fool me twice shames me too.
Fool me thrice - I'll put you in traction.

My daughter-in-law's facebook status one day inspired The Master of Distraction.  Every once in awhile a phrase that I hear expands itself into a limerick.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Goran Visnjic's Belated Confession

Goran Visnjic's Belated Confession

I'm sorry that it went this far
but I'm really not a doctor.
Before you undressed,
I should have confessed.
I just play one on E.R.

Because the show E.R. is no longer on TV, Goran Visnjic's Belated Confession is one on my classic limericks that is no longer topical.  Hopefully it retains some residual value.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Wasted Money

Wasted Money

I've spent money on parties and feasted.
Gourmet food and fine wines I have tasted.
I've spent cash by the ton
on wild women and fun.
The rest of my money I just wasted.

Wasted Money came from a quote I saw in the Rockford Register Star one time.  They had interviewed an old man in town and he said, "I've spent most of my money on wild women and whiskey.  The rest I just wasted!"  That quote inspired this limerick.  Thank you old man!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Limbo


Limbo

She said, "Let's go do the limbo
and see how low we can go."
So I bent way back
and my back went crack.
Now my body is twisted akimbo.

This is the way I've been feeling for the last few weeks while fighting low back pain.  I'm not sure what caused this occurrence but I am certain it was not the Limbo.