KATHY’S RAP ON AGING - a guest rap by Kathy Collins Reilly

KATHY’S RAP ON AGING

(a guest submission by Kathy Collins Reilly 12/30/2013)

Kathy says, "I'm not a fan of rap music, but in an attempt to hang onto what's left of my youth, I've composed a rap song. Well, the lyrics, anyway. No need to come up with a tune. It's RAP, for cryin' out loud!"

KATHY’S RAP ON AGING

Ol’ Mother Nature and Ol’ Father Time

Been messin’ with my body, been messin’ with my mind.

Gray hair – down there!!

“Skin tag” makes me gag!!

Crepe-y neck, oh heck!!

Osteoporosis? Holy Moses!

Bat-wing arms; I’ve lost my charms!

Keeping my balance, not one of my talents.

Chin needs pluckin’ -- no cause for chucklin’.

Creaking knees, breathing wheeze.

Lost the fight to cellulite.

Visible veins and addled brains.

“What? Quit mumbling!” Hearing loss is humbling.

Age spots, brownish blots.

Flabby belly looks like jelly.

I bemoan no muscle tone: Haven’t even fallen and I can’t get up!

Under each eye a two-inch bag. What a drag.

Toenails so thick they make me sick.

Squint to see: “Who can THAT be?”

Where’re my glasses? Oops! Pardon my gases.

There’s truth to the rumor: you gotta keep your sense of humor.

We all crap out. Ain’t no use in cryin’.

It’s so we start to look forward to dyin’!

 Thank you Kathy!  Dear readers please note that the illustration is mine.  Do not blame Kathy!

Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley gets sent 'cross the whole country
by school children in grades two or three.
Flat broke Gary is cute
wearing his birthday suit.
He stays home 'cause he has no money.

Stanley visiting the National Mall in Washington D. C.

Naked Santa Part 2

Naked Santa Part 2

I play 'Naked Santa'.  There's a reason for that.
I have a white beard.  I'm a little bit fat.
I don't have the loot
for the full Santa suit.
All I need is a red stocking hat!

 

Merry Xmas dear readers!

Chili

 

 

Chili

My diet is always the same.
They should have made 'Chili' my name!
I'm going through a phase
when I eat it most days.
Keep me away from any open flame!

Food is always a good inspiration for a limerick.

Olive My Love

 

 

Olive My Love

It's a bleak tale with a dismal plot.
You like olives but I do not.
Sadly we've known
we can't share a calzone
but we still got together and tied the knot.

Olive My Love is dedicated to my daughter's friend Erin who does not like olives and to her husband that does.

Boston Tea Party Tragedy

 

 

Boston Tea Party Tragedy

It's a very sad story to tell.
The people of Boston are mad as hell.
Crackpots in the GOP
have stolen their 'Tea Party'.
Philadelphia hang on to your Liberty Bell!

It is so sad when wonderful things get besmirched.

Back in the Day - A Date with Sue

Back in the Day - A Date with Sue

This is a very short tale to relate.
Sue and I had only one date.
It was the end for us.
Sue would rather have Gus
and I wanted to date Sue's roommate.

I have moved on to my college years in my Back in the Day limerick series.  This one is from fall of my freshman year

Jockey Shorts

Jockey Shorts

It comes to me as a big surprise
they make jockey shorts for a man my size
unless of course
the company measured a horse
by mistake which they did not realize.

No one commented on the lack of annotation on yesterday's limerick, DJ Joe Beaudet.  Maybe I should re-title the blog Gary's Limericks and spare my dear readers the blither.

DJ Joe Beaudet

DJ Joe Beaudet

Joe Beau is a good guy to know
and he knows how to put on a show.
If you plan something big,
hire him for your gig!
I assure you the music won't blow.

Addiction

Addiction

If you are fighting a strong addiction,
I have for you a sad prediction.
a cranial synapse
will cause a relapse
and put you right back on the road to perdition.

Somehow my Dad managed to quit smoking.  Luckily I never started.  I don't know if I could have.

The Butter Cow at the Iowa State Fair

 

Photo by Carolyn Kucharo Fever 

The Butter Cow at the Iowa State Fair

I don't really care 'why?' or 'how?'
a vandal spewed paint on the butter cow.
My attitude
is that you were rude!
You should be spanked on your bottom right now!

Yikes!  My Grandmother is speaking through my limericks!

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods

It causes me consternation

when Tiger Woods gets all the attention.

'Though he's past his prime

he gets TV time

even when he's not in contention.

I'm not a fan.

Customer Service Said Throw It Away

Customer Service Said Throw It Away

Items are not made to last today
Instead we just throw them away.
They still work just fine
but it's replacement time.
"Debit or credit how do you wish to pay?"

A cell phone that needs a new battery.  A TV with its fuse soldered into the circuit board.  A printer with saturated ink pads.  A baby's car seat that has passed its expiration date.  The list goes on and on.

TV Bucket List Part 2

TV Bucket List Part 2

My bucket list tends to grow and grow
as I add pretty women I would like to know.
I really like
Maggie Lawson on 'Psych'
and all the lab women on that 'Bones' TV show.

I need a time machine!

TV Bucket List Part 1

 

 

TV Bucket List Part 1

Is there an actress that I'd like to do?
She's on 'Covert Affairs', Piper Perabo ...
Wait I've forgotten
'Psych's Maggie Lawson! ...
Okay there may be quite a few.

 

How are you coming on your bucket lists dear readers?

Cursing Lesson

Cursing Lesson

Let me give you a lesson on cursing:
It shouldn't need any rehearsing.
To young upstarts I say
don't tell me the way
that I should do my cursing dispersing!

Cursing Lesson is dedicated to bleeping Drake Baer and all of his freaking friends that used to hang out in my blasted basement.

Internet Lurker

Internet Lurker

If you are an internet lurker
it's likely you're also a shirker
and you fail to post
praise for the blog host
causing him to become a berzerker.

Keep those cards and letters coming in dear readers!  And do not be afraid to comment.

The Bobs

 

 

The Bobs

Chrissy, Steph, Kelly. and Erin King,
I love to hear these lovely girls sing
at Open Mike Night.
What a delight!
I hope they perform at The Mill this spring!

It would be nice if Aught 5 shared the bill.

Conspiracy Theory Part 1

 

Conspiracy Theory Part 1

JFK was shot by the CIA.
Elvis is still alive today.
The last man on the moon
was turned into a goon
by aliens to keep humans away.

Help me with my dilemma dear readers!  I titled this blog Gary's Annotated Limericks but occasionally I don't have anything to say.  What should I do?

Back in the Day - Child's Play

 

 

 

 

Back in the Day - Child's Play

I was just three. Marsha was four.
She had a playhouse right next door.
It worked out just fine
for 'I'll show you mine'
if you unzip and show me yours.

Another Back in the Day limerick for you dear readers. 

Back in the Day - Teasing

Back in the Day - Teasing

The other kids teased me that I would marry
a pretty little girl nicknamed Jeri.
It might have come to pass
if I hadn't been an ass
and caused Jeri to hate all boys named Gary!

I'm sorry dear readers.  My creative juices have not been flowing recently.  Finally, I have another Back in the Day limerick for you.

Gay Marriage

Gay Marriage

If you oppose gay marriage (sadly some do!)

here's some advice that you'll find will ring true.

Be careful when you date 

and when choosing your mate

be sure not to marry the same sex as you!

'Gay Marriage' is dedicated to my late friend Chris Eckhardt who fought for all of our freedoms.

Going Batty

Going Batty

You might hear a terrible din
when a creepy bat flies in.
I scream and shout
'til I've chased him out
wondering, "Where is his evil twin?"

I'm so glad that a shark can't fly!

Rhymes with Orange

 

 

Rhymes with Orange

There was a young girl from Orange
who was eating a very juicy orange.
The juice ran down her knee
and it looked just like pee
and her face turned a bright shade of orange.

Technically no rhyme cheating here.  The first is a place, the second is a fruit, and the third is a color.

Birthday Limerick - a guest limerick by Kathy Collins Reilly

Birthday Limerick 

(a guest limerick by Kathy Collins Reilly)

I wanted to write you a lim'rick
but I lacked the talent log'rhythmic.
Suffice it to say
You have a nice day!
Avoiding all things cataclysmic.

Thank you Kathy!

Lederhosen

 

 

Lederhosen

Even though I don't happened to be wired that way
I support the rights of my friends who are gay.
Even if they have chosen
to wear lederhosen,
they deserve all their freedoms right now today!

Thank you dear readers!  This blog has had over 3000 page views.  I hope to continue finding the humor in life even when the subject is quite serious.

April Fools Day

April Fools Day

(A guest limerick sent by Joshua)

Each year on the day first of April
And one thing that never would fail
Was that a fellow named Gary
Would give cause to be wary
With pranks he would always assail.

A guest limerick - my favorite kind.  Thank you Josh!

Condemned by the New Pope

Condemned by the New Pope

I've been accused of heresy

and must stand trial in the Holy See.

I'm without hope

condemned by the Pope

for publishing limerick blasphemy!

I am sorry dear readers but this blog will soon be shut down.  It is not my choice.  Google has informed be that heretical blogs that attack the Roman Church will no longer be permitted.  

Abnormal

Abnormal

If you are a compulsive hoarder,
or suffer from an eating disorder,
have a skin condition,
or read science fiction,
we're going to send you over the border.

Does fantasy written by a sci-fi author count?  I've been reading Game of Thrones.

Grammys - The Weight

Grammys - The Weight

Next time that they broadcast the Grammys

I might have to watch in my 'jammies.

It got to be rather late

before they performed 'The Weight'

and sang "Take a load off, Fanny!"

I do enjoy music.

Blatant Self Promotion

Blatant Self Promotion

If you have the mistaken notion
that you shouldn't engage in self promotion,
sometimes it takes
one or two shakes
to wake up your friends and put them in motion.

As you already know, dear readers, I have been blatantly promoting this blog for some time and will continue to do so.  It is your job to read the disclaimer and the warning!

Mistaken Identity

Mistaken Identity

My cellmate raised an objection
when they hauled him away for a lethal injection.
Mistaken identity.
It was supposed to be me.
Now it's too late for any correction.

It serves him right for all the times he mixed up my takeout order!

Editor

Editor

Every writer needs another set of eyes,

someone with good judgement, somebody wise.

Someone with the guts 

to tell him when he's nuts,

and to help him win a Pulitzer prize.

Even a lowly limerick writer could benefit from a good editor.  Unfortunately for you dear readers, I do not have one.  I am running open loop.  That is control system terminology for a system with no feedback that tends to go out of control.

Moral Compass

 

Moral Compass

On my way from here to there
I ended up on the brink of despair.
My moral compass
has gone cattywampus.
I hope it is not beyond repair.

Like when driving in the fog, I hope no one is following!

Harris & Neveln Revisited - a guest limeric pair by James Harris

Harris & Neveln Revisited

 by James Harris

I'm not sure I deserve the positive attention
As my faults are too many to mention
I sometimes don't rhyme
And poorly manage my time
Seldom do I follow convention

The problem is this whole facebook creation
We seem to be in touch with the entire nation
With acquaintances from the past
And verbal exchanges so fast
Gives cause for incessant elation

Previous Harris & Neveln Next

Thank you Jim for another guest limerick.  They are the kind that don't make my dear readers sick!

Kathy & Jane in The Roosevelt Hall of Fame

Kathy & Jane in The Roosevelt Hall of Fame

I didn't think that I'd ever see
a Roosevelt girl any cleverer than me
(except Marilyn Schakel).
What a debacle!
I'm aghast! How could such a thing be?

Two of my classmates Kathy Collins Reilly (that is Kathy on the left) and Jane Skiles O'Dea are in the Des Moines Roosevelt High School Hall of Fame.  They are in distinguished company.

Inaugural Limerick

Election Eve 2012 Photo courtesy of Susan Burns McCoy.

Inaugural Limerick

The ceremony was moving nicely along

then the poet started droning on and on.

A limerick I think

would have been more succinct

and left time for another Beyonce song.

Congratulations President Obama!

RIP Chris Eckhardt

RIP Chris Eckhardt 

Chris Eckhardt took an antiwar stand
and came to school wearing a black arm band.
He won a Supreme Court fight
for a student's free speech right
which brought more freedom to our land!

Christopher Eckhardt Obituary

My high school class lost a classmate and friend to cancer.  Chris was involved in winning a US Supreme Court decision in 1969; Tinker vs Des Moines School Board, that was a landmark case for the rights of students.  

I remember Chris best from junior high.  Several  of us were wrestling around outside during lunch and Chris landed on some broken glass cutting his arm.  Usually blood brings blame and trouble but Chris did not blame anyone and calmly went to get stitched up. 

Remembering that mishaps, when I later became a boys club and little league baseball coach, I always policed the schoolyard fields where we practiced to remove any broken glass or sharp rocks that might cause injury.

Gary's Guide to Trickle Down Economics

Gary's Guide to Trickle Down Economics

If you hope that green cash will come trickling down
from the rich folks who happen to live in your town
I'm telling you poor fellow
it will be something yellow
unless you're unlucky and it's colored brown.

As always when I give out advice dear readers remember to read the disclaimer!

Previous Gary's Guide Next