Hooray! Trump Brings Back Coal Mining Jobs

 

Hooray! Trump Brings Back Coal Mining Jobs

Why am I not hollering or hooting?
My jobs's back, There's no disputing.
In the coal mine
that would be fine
'cept it's in Siberia digging for Putin!

A Magical Pair - a guest limerick by Alison Long Goldberg

A Magical Pair
by Alison Long Goldberg

Together you two were a magical pair
Love surrounded you every where
This love in your heart
Will always be part
Of forever together on the wings of each prayer

Thank you dear Alison for this guest limerick (the best kind). It brightened my day!

Give the Donald a Chance

Give the Donald a Chance

I'll give Donald a chance when he has the means
to pay back all he bilked with his bankruptcy schemes.
When his tax forms we get
I'm willing to bet
that he can't afford a single can of beans.

Sexism Raises It's Ugly Head

 

Sexism Raises It's Ugly Head

We thought it was made in the shade
but the results we cannot evade.
The votes are in.
We can blame Trump's win
on not wanting Bill for First Lady.

Let's See Those Tax Returns

 

Let's See Those Tax Returns

Donald Trump has not earned my respect.
He'll continue to behave as he has I expect.
I'm willing to bet
he has staggering debt
to Russians and he might want to defect.

A Bad Position

 

A Bad Position

Donald is in a position he surely will hate
The poor old asshole couldn't win a debate.
Trump can't fire all of us
so he'll rant and he'll cuss.
after winning an election without a mandate.

In Your Public Hair

 

In Your Public Hair

He never learned not to grab women there.
But is he rich? He doesn't care!
So on a whim
you voted for him.
Now his tiny fingers are in your pubic hair!

You Voted for Trump

 

 

You Voted for Trump

You voted for Trump 'cause god told you to?
You've been deceived and gave Satan his due!
He groped women for thrills
and didn't pay his bills.
Now you've lost your soul. I feel sorry for you!

In the Wrong Places

 

 

In the Wrong Places

After the tally, there are lots of long faces
She got most of the vote - but in the wrong places.
Don't you just hate
that there is no mandate
for the B-list celebrity lacking in graces?

Someday

Someday

It won't happen right away
but I bow my head and I pray
that your daughters and sons
will correct what you've done
and forgive you for it someday.

Haven't They Suffered Enough Revisited

 

Haven't They Suffered Enough?

Cub fans form a line at the golden gate
that's been growing steadily since 1908.
When the Cubs finally win
Pete may let one or two in!
'waiting 'til next year' is their perpetual fate.

The wait is over! Welcome to Cub Heaven!

Blue Tears Revisited

 

 Blue Tears

When the Chicago Cubs lose it's true
the tears that I hold back are blue.
But when the Cubs win
let the crying begin
if it takes another century or two.

Acting Like Donald Trump

 

Acting Like Donald Trump

Like a deplorable chump
I was ogling her rump.
Please don't remind her
that I was behind her
acting like Donald Trump.

Early Voting

 

Early Voting

My friends this is worth noting.
I have completed my voting.
I can say, "What the heck!"
about the Trump train wreak.
It's all over but the gloating!

Iowa State Fans

Iowa State Fans

It is not for faint hearts or the weak.
Iowa State fans have a long, long streak.
Football season comes 'round
and they can be found
getting pants beat off them week after week!

The North Liberty Wild Sex Club

 

The North Liberty Wild Sex Club

I was invited in North Liberty
to a club for wild sex and debauchery.
"Count me in, Bub!
Who's in the club?"
"Right now it's only you and me."

Birthday Suit Greeting Censored

 

Birthday Suit Greeting Censored

Facebook will not allow an old galoot
to be pictured in only his birthday suit.
I hope anyway
that you have a great day!
Instead of a nudie you get a picture of fruit.

Censoring the Naked Santa Campaign Photo

 

Censoring the Naked Santa Campaign Photo

If your significant other begins to complain
about display of a photo from Naked Santa's campaign
on your refrigerator door
then get one magnet more
and strategically place it to help keep him sane.

 

Weighing in on the WII

 

Weighing in on the WII

If you weigh yourself in on the WII
you should do it just like me.
Take off all your clothes
'cause everyone knows
that they add about two pounds or three!

Pokémon Go Failure

 

Pokémon Go Failure

I'd like to play Pokémon Go
but I'm afraid I'm a little too slow.
I can't walk very far -
can I use a car?
Oops! I just stubbed my toe!

Where I'd like to Be

 

Where I'd like to Be

Where color of skin means nothing at all
except to describe like 'handsome' or 'tall'.
In the land of the free
where we can be
brothers and sisters at the mid-summer ball.

Naked on the 4th of July

 

Naked on the 4th of July

Someone please tell me why
I can't be naked on the 4th of July.
A country that's free
should allow nudity.
Let's give another freedom a try!

Bigfoot Part 2

 

Bigfoot Part 2

I was on the road late last night.
I encountered a frightening sight.
Bigfoot eyes
in wide surprise
in the glare of my headlights.

Bigfoot Part 3

 

Bigfoot Part 3

If you follow Bigfoot to his hut
you'll notice his expansive gut
It is plain to see
that he shouldn't be
Bigfoot. He should be called Bigbutt!

Bigfoot Part 5

 

Bigfoot Part 5

If you meet Bigfoot late at night
you will go into shock at the sight.
Your life will depend
on being his friend
so don't try to run or put up a fight!

Naked Jake

 

Naked Jake

Jake Arrieta had the guts
to go out and pitch with a naked butt
It's a miracle to me
how we got to see
all that skin without a peek at his nuts.

An Image to Treasure Part 2

 

An Image to Treasure Part 2

I like to be naked it's true.
It's one thing that I like to do
for your pleasure -
an image to treasure -
to remind you that I love you.

Skinny Dipping

 

Skinny Dipping

It doesn't matter how shy you feel
down at the pond it is time to peel
off all of your clothes
'cause everyone knows
skinny dipping is no big deal!

Trish

Double Arch - Photograph by Trish Waits - Arches Nat'l Monument

 

Trish

Before they put her away in chains and locks
for carving her name on all those rocks,
it's my fondest wish
to meet this Trish
who likely will knock me out of my socks!

Bigfoot

 

Bigfoot

There was a bigfoot sighting in the neighborhood.
They got a picture but it wasn't good.
He didn't have much fur
and he didn't say "grr"
It looked like a hoax from where I stood!

Birthday Suit Party

Birthday Suit Party

Naked Santa is happy to appear
at a birthday suit party any time of year.
Make yourself a vow
to schedule one now.
If you are modest, get over your fear!

North Carolina ID

North Carolina ID

Here's my North Carolina ID.
Before I vote or I pee
I have to show
my parts below
to an agent of the state's GOP.

Congratulations Graduate

 

Congratulations Graduate

I would like to congratulate
this year's newest graduate.
We're all proud of you!
Here's what to do.
Now that that's over - you can start to date!

Can Naked Santa Sleep on Your Couch?

 

Can Naked Santa Sleep on Your Couch?

His Campaign is in full sway.
He needs a place to stay.
Don't be a slouch!
Can he sleep on your couch?
Let him know if it's okay!

Amex Serve - First Against the Wall

 

Amex Serve - First Against the Wall

The first ones against the wall
when the rich ones take their fall
will be Amex Serve
who threw me a curve
with new fees but won't answer a call!

I have been preoccupied with more important things the last few months but today I noticed that American Express Serve has been stealing money from me recently (service fee) and they do not answer their phone. I am canceling that account immediately via good old fashioned snail mail. I promise I will make them pay far more than what they purloined in bad publicity. Do not mess with a limerick blogger!

Verizon sucked me into it and it worked on my phone about 1 time in 3 taking only about 4 times as long as an ordinary credit card transaction while irate customers queued up behind me. Then BAM! they closed down the app leaving me with no convenient means to use the balance in the account. The clever thieves that they are, they figured out a way to take care of that.

Coming From Behind

 

Coming From Behind

Hillary is losing her mind.
Naked Santa is coming from behind.
She'll win by a mile
but his dogged style
makes it a race of the very best kind. 

R Version

Naked Santa in North Carolina

Naked Santa in North Carolina

North Carolina is on high alert!
Naked Santa was seen lifting his skirt
at Mr. Mike's Used Books
he got dirty looks
when he said, "Which restroom?" to the clerk.

The Viagra Girl on TV

 

The Viagra Girl on TV

I get a boner whenever I see
the viagra girl on my TV,
but I get  a resumption
of erectile dysfunction
when you crawl into bed next to me.

Face in the Cloud

Face in the Cloud

I took down that nudie I'm sad to say
that it had gone viral right away.
All over the place
we see more than your face.
I'm afraid that it's up in the cloud to stay!

My Platform - a guest limerick by Donald Trump

My Platform - a guest limerick by Donald Trump

We'll make America great.
I'll nuke ISIS and build a wall.

I have a large penis. It's great.
Mexico will pay.
Throw those people out!
I can shoot you on 5th Avenue.
It will be great!

A Naughty Streak

A Naughty Streak

If you have a naughty streak
and your good conscience is a little weak,
try a blog that's risque!
Enjoy it today!
Click on the link and take a peek!

Warning! Gary's Classic Limericks contains adult content and carelessly drawn nudity that may not be suitable for sensitive viewers!

Frat Initiation

Frat Initiation

The pledge master had us choose -
go streaking or drink lots of booze.
"I've already been drinking
so I guess I'll go streaking!
I won't be naked!  I'll have on my shoes!"

Low Tech Entertainment

 

Low Tech Entertainment

There was a deluge outside it was pouring.
"Being stuck in this cabin is boring."
Belle cheerfully said,
"There's a mirror on the bed
so at least we can watch some live porn."

Naughty Naked Knees

Naughty Naked Knees

My cousin Belle always aims to please
when she performs her X-rated strip tease.
I had to pre-pay
but when caught by Aunt Mae
all I saw was Belle's naughty naked knees.

Internet Porn - Back in the Day

 

Internet Porn - Back in the Day

Back in the day, the truth to tell,
with no internet porn, life was hell!
It's sad but true
that we had to make do
with polaroid pictures of my cousin Belle!

Naughty Girls

 

Naughty Girls

For every naughty boy there is a crowd
of naughty girls hanging around in a cloud.
They won't look twice
at a boy who is nice
unless he happens to be well endowed.

The Amazing Race

 

The Amazing Race

If I was on the Amazing Race
I'd likely vanish without a trace,
wandering around until
I was found by Phil
looking to tell me, "You're in last place!"

Princess Leia Tattoo

 

Princess Leia Tattoo

Gary became unglued
when a picture of him nude
appeared on the net,
you won't soon forget
his Star Wars Princess Leia tattoo.

 

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