What Knot to Wear

 

 

What Knot to Wear

If you've read my new book, 'What Knot to Wear',
and fashioned macrame clothes to wear here and there,
Just don't get caught
with a frayed knot
and find you're unraveled and suddenly bare.

Living with a Slob

 

 

Living with a Slob

It may be the worst thing by far
when slobs won't admit what they are!
It's an impossible wish
that they'd rinse out a dish
or pick up trash from the floor of the car!

Words with Friends Rule Change

 

Words with Friends Rule Change

Words with Friends is a little bit tame.
Here's a rule to make it less lame:
Send the winner a nude
that isn't too lewd
to have a more interesting game.

Naked Santa Clones

 

Naked Santa Clones

Do you wonder how there can be
a Santa for every Christmas tree?
They are just clones
that are factory grown
ready to suit up and come down your chimney.

 

Naked Santa Campaign Scandal

 

Naked Santa Campaign Scandal

The Iowa caucus win was in the bag
when Naked Santa's campaign hit a snag.
On Christmas eve night
he was caught in plain sight
inside a house with a bagful of swag!

Naked Santa's Xmas Card Part 2

 

 

Naked Santa's Xmas Card Part 2

Naked Santa fans, every girl and boy
find his Xmas card a thing of joy!
They like to see
frontal nudity
with his unwrapped package proudly deployed!

Naked Santa's Xmas Card

 

Naked Santa's Xmas Card

Naked Santa's fans are in dismay.
They received his Xmas card today.
Would it be so hard
to produce a card
where the words are not in the way?

My Physical Therapist Part 2

Molly

My Physical Therapist Part 2

I injured my shoulder in a fit of folly.
and went to my physical therapist Molly
When Molly moved it around,
the whole town heard the sound
when it went "pop" and I cried, "Oh Golly!"

Black Friday

Black Friday

I would have gone shopping today
but getting dressed I said, "No way!"
There isn't a chance
I can zip up may pants
after feasting on Thanksgiving day.

Equal Time

Equal Time

Naked Santa is on TV a lot.
They like to air a full frontal shot.
His opponent complains
but her manager explains,
"Hillary, without clothes, you don't look so hot!"

Naked Santa's Voter Approval Rating

 

Naked Santa's Voter Approval Rating

A young reporter was sent
to Naked Santa's campaign event.
She said what she'd seen
was vile and obscene.
His rating went up 20 percent.

When Does A Miracle Occur?.

 

When Does A Miracle Occur?

Get manna to fall from the skies
or command the dead to arise!
It might happen when"
a Lutheran shouts out, "Amen"
or when the Cubs win the World Series.

I'm Back

 

I'm Back

Slap on electrodes here and there
where they've carelessly shaved my hair.
Electroshock therapy.
Loss of some memory.
Bring me back from the depths of despair.

Beijing Olympic Gymnastic Judging Explained

 

Beijing Olympic Gymnastic Judging Explained

Gymnastic judges give the Chinese
high scores despite a fall or a sneeze.
"Cause it would really suck
to be forever stuck
in a Chinese jail if their hosts they displease.

 A long lost limerick from 2008.

Naked Santa at the Iowa State Fair

 

Naked Santa at the Iowa State Fair

Hey! Let me know if you are going
to Naked Santa's rally in Des Moines!
Totally bare
at the Iowa State Fair
It sounds like the party to join!

Naked Santa Brings his Campaign to Iowa City

Naked Santa Brings his Campaign to Iowa City

Hawkeye coeds Give a cheer!
Naked Santa will soon appear
downtown on Lynn
at the Hamburg Inn -
"Oh God he's here! See his naked rear!"

Naked Santa's Questionable Campaign Strategy

Naked Santa's Questionable Campaign Strategy

Naked Santa's hat is in the ring
and he isn't wearing anything.
Women admire
his lack of attire.
How many votes do you think that will bring?

Iowa - The Maroon State

Iowa - The Maroon State

Iowa could be a nice peaceful place
and you would see a smile on my face.
But a caucus appears
every 4 years
and brings extra maroons for the GOP race.

Mom would not let me call anyone a moron (even if they were).  She did let me watch looney tunes though!

The Naked Santa Campaign Fund

The Naked Santa Campaign Fund

Donate ten dollars to Naked Santa's campaign!
Get a black and white photo, uncensored, plain.
If you give a lot more
he'll deliver to your door
a life size portrait in a nice walnut frame.

The Presidential Debate

The Presidential Debate

Don't expect Naked Santa at the debate.
He leaves that up to his running mate.
But if you make
your way out to the lake
find him on a raft. The kind you inflate.

Naked Santa for President

Naked Santa for President

Jump on the bandwagon! It will be fun!
Naked Santa was persuaded to run.
He's not wearing a thing.
His hat's in the ring
as he campaigns as Iowa's favorite son!

Acorn Bed & Breakfast

 

 

Acorn Bed & Breakfast

Operated by cousins Bob and Gene,
the Acorn Bed & Breakfast is really keen.
Near North Carolina's Ashville
on a Blue Ridge foothill
lots of nearby attractions can be easily seen.

The Vineyards B & B

 

The Vineyards B & B

There's no place I'd rather be
than at the Vineyards B & B.
in Page Springs, Arizona
close to Sedona
with Tambrala taking care of me.

The Boulder Creek Lodge

The Boulder Creek Lodge

When you're in Montana stay at the Fox's
Boulder Creek Lodge not a motel of boxes.
Hunting, fishing, and hiking
and mountain biking
that will surely knock off your soxes.

No Nudies

No Nudies

I don't receive nudies and I know why.
it's because my limerick fans are shy.
And they never see
a nudie of me
because I am also a very shy guy!

A Nasty Cold

A Nasty Cold

It was a nasty cold that I got.
Mucous membranes oozed a lot.
What do you suppose
came out of my nose?
It may look human but it's snot.

Goodbye Mr. Censor

Goodbye Mr. Censor

Dear readers, I apologize sincerely.
The last post depicted quite clearly
a penis and nuts
so the censor has just
been fired.  We will miss him dearly.

A Chipmunk in the House

A Chipmunk in the House

If you get a chipmunk disturbing your peace
in your house then do not cease!
Chase it naked and shout,
trap, and carry it out!
Your neighbors will be happy to see its release.

A Date with The Star Quarterback

A Date with The Star Quarterback

The cheerleader was elated
and then she was frustrated.
The star quarterback
was a dud in the sack
and his balls were all deflated.

Birthday Greeting from Sue Response

Birthday Greeting from Sue Response 

Thank you for the greeting dear Sue!

I am grateful that I met Carolyn and you

on a day that was great

in 1968

and Pamela and David too!

My thanks go out for all of the birthday wishes and for the guest limericks (the best kind).

Birthday Greeting From Sue - a guest limerick by Susan Johnson Gustafson

Birthday Greeting From Sue

(a guest limerick by Susan Johnson Gustafson)

I think I'll write a birthday rhyme,
On Gary's Facebook timeline.
     To wish him joy
      And  birthday  cheer
And days of endless sunshine!

Thank you dear Susan!

Birthday Greeting from Izaak - a guest limerick by Izaak Neveln

Birthday Greeting from Izaak

(a guest limerick by Izaak Neveln)

I heard on the news, what a shame,
That Gary's now not a popular name.
so at sixty-five,
you're one of few Gary's alive.
Indiana is surely to blame!

Thank you Izaak!

In My Birthday Suit

In My Birthday Suit

If you have a desire to see
a full frontal nude picture of me,
bring your camera 'round here
and I will appear
in my birthday suit for two poses or three!

Today Only

Today Only

If you came here expecting to see
full frontal nudity
add your name to the list
of those who have just
been duped by my April foolery!

Happy April Fools Day dear readers.  Add to the fun by going back and leaving a comment on the link that brought you here describing how appalled (or delighted) you are with this post.

Superman's Power

Superman's Power

Metropolis people must be asses
to be fooled by Clark Kent's glasses.
Without them he fights
evil in tights.
Beware of the gas that he passes!

I Lied to My Doctor

 

Natalie (Tally)  MD

 I Lied to My Doctor

I lied to my doctor,  truth be told,
in a way that was callous and cold.
I asked her, "Are you
taking patients who are new? ",
when I'm actually decrepit and old.

My Physical Therapist

 

Molly

My Physical Therapist

It's an appointment that shouldn't be missed
when I need my physical therapist.
I've nothing to gain
from sciatic pain
so I'll put Molly's treatment on my 'to do' list.

RIP Mr. Spock

RIP Mr. Spock

I'm sad and in a state of shock
that we have lost Trek's Mr. Spock
There were other guys
on the Enterprise
but Leonard Nimoy made it rock!

For Everything There Is a Reason

For Everything There Is a Reason

For everything, says your religion,
there is a reason.  I laugh with derision!
The reason you see
is apparent to me.
You're stupid and make bad decisions!

Iowa's Junior Senator

 Iowa's Junior Senator

I know nothing about anything shady
that makes Joni Ernst less of a lady.
but she is a joke
bought by brothers named Koch.
We should have elected Claudia Addy.

McDonald's Restaurant Destroyed

 

McDonald's Restaurant Destroyed

"Sir, I was flying my drone
when it decided to hone
in for the kill
as if it had free will.
It picked the target on its own."

Twitter Lurker

Twitter Lurker

I joined twitter today
but I have nothing to say.
I hate to shirk
but I'll just lurk
until an idea comes my way.

Follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/gneveln

Pig Shit Boots

Pig Shit Boots

It should not be considered big news
that Senator Ernst once wore bread bag shoes.
Have some pity on Joni
'cause it is well known -
Wear pig shit boots to school - you lose.

The Limerick Writer's Nightmare

The Limerick Writer's Nightmare

A novel by Stephen King
What nightmare will it bring?
A writer held
while being compelled
to write limericks 'til one is amusing.

TP Part 3

TP Part 3

Over or under?  I don't care.
When I need it, I'm just glad it's there!

The Glue Sniffing Pyromaniac

The Glue Sniffing Pyromaniac

Balsa wood models made from a kit -
I really don't like them one little bit!
But I've made quite a few
'cause I like airplane glue
and they make a nice fire when they're lit.

Redhead College Coed

Redhead College Coed

She asked me, "If I were dead,
I wonder if you would rewed?"
I wouldn't mind
if I'm lucky to find
another redhead college coed!

Insomniac Eyes

Insomniac Eyes

I stare through insomniac eyes
and tell myself all kinds of lies.
How I'll soon be down deep
in a relaxing sleep.
It would sure be a pleasant surprise.

I Read the News Today Oh Boy

 

I Read the News Today Oh Boy

If I read Science Fiction from Two Thousand and Four
that boldly predicts what the future has in store,
can I be confident
that it has the same content
as today's newspaper delivered to my door??

Goodbye Gall Bladder

 

Goodbye Gall Bladder

If you overeat once in awhile
your gall bladder secretes extra bile.
But it will send out a stone
that will cause you to groan
if gorging yourself is your style.

3rd Billing

3rd Billing

If I could write songs like Bob Dylan
I could make maybe one or two million.
But I'm so far under
even a one-hit wonder
In a two act show I get 3rd billing.

Back in the Day - Birthday Spanking

Back in the Day - Birthday Spanking

I looked at my calendar and it would appear
that you have made it through another whole year.
A trip around the sun.
I hope it was fun
and worth another spank on the rear.