The Worst Day

The Worst Day

Vickie was born on the very last day
of the month known as February.
I tell you it's the worst
that tomorrow is March first
but no one celebrates her birthday.

Do not worry about Vickie dear readers!  This only happens on leap year.  However I think that we all suffer a little due to post-birthday depression.

Ugly Man Search

Ugly Man Search

If you search from here to Uzbekistan
I bet you won't find an uglier man!
You'd have to get
way up north of Tibet.
Yet I wager that you would abandon that plan.

Every once in awhile my limericks take me to the Himalayas.  I have to admit that there are a lot of beaches on my bucket list of places to see before I head for the mountains.

The Recalcitrant Child III

The Recalcitrant Child III

 Aren't you being somewhat rash
to assume that a bribe must be cash?
Haven't you heard
a sky-blue firebird
has significantly more panache?

It is time to put The Recalcitrant Child to bed.  I might have to monetize this blog to pay the bribe though.

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The Recalcitrant Child II - Joshua's Response - a guest limerick by Joshua Neveln

The Recalcitrant Child II - Joshua's Response 
(a guest limerick by Joshua Neveln)
 
Well, it's obviously not me
as I'm still waiting for bribery
you I could thank
for cash in the bank
if you were to pay the recalcitrant fee

Today we have a guest blog that was sent to me in response to yesterday's The Recalcitrant Child.  Stay tuned dear readers for part III tomorrow.

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The Recalcitrant Child

The Recalcitrant Child

When dealing with a recalcitrant child,
try being fierce, then try being mild!
Then try number three -
reverse psychology.
Use bribery when these have all failed!

Why would you ever need to buy a child rearing book when you have this advice to guide you?  Please send me half the money you save and keep the rest for your bribe.  You will probably need it!

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One At a Time

One At a Time

I tell you that it is a crime
my wife and I spend every dime!
So polygamy
is just not for me!
I can afford only one at a time!

The idea for One At a Time came from a song by the same name by John Entwistle of The Who.

Four-Letter Word

Four-Letter Word

"Fore" is a four-letter word
one that I wish I had heard!
It should have been said
when I was hit in the head
by poop from a four-letter bird!

Back in the day when I was a kid, I learned that there were some words that you were not supposed to say and that they were called four-letter words.  Naturally we tried to come up with our own list of words that pushed the accepted limit. 

Our Saturday Night Conversion

Our Saturday Night Conversion

Its an amazing story, just ask us
like Paul on the road to Damascus
first there is a light
when we regain our sight
a voice says, "Stop drinking and don't cuss!"

In my mind it is my Grandmother's voice.

Kings Dominion

Kings Dominion

On a family outing we did embark
What fun!  I'm happy as a lark!
'Til insufficient lube
left me stuck in the tube,

so now I'm banned from the water park.

On an episode of the Simpsons, Homer gets stuck in the tube slide at the water park. I can relate,  I did not get stuck but on one of tubes I came to a dead stop.  I was run into by the kid that was following before I could shove myself beyond the level spot and get going again on a steeper section.

Absinthe

Absinthe

As we sit and drink my mind starts to wander.
A simple question I must ponder.
What will my girlfriend think
about this green toxic drink
and does absinthe make the heart grow fonder?

I would not know.  I've never tried it.

Wine & Bread

Wine & Bread

Every week we drink wine and eat bread
to remember a man who is dead.
When he reappears
after 2000 years,
at least we can say we're well fed.

A theological limerick?  It must be Sunday.

Jeff and Jeff

Jeff and Jeff

At the golden gate St. Pete said, "Toodle-ooo.
It's to the devil with the likes of you.
You could have been saved
if you weren't depraved
by Jeff and Jeff on XL102."

Jeff and Jeff was a radio show in Richmond, Virginia that I enjoyed listening to in the 1990s.  Jeff McKee sent me back this reply:

There once was a guy named Gary
who's ability to limerick was Scary
What he put into Rhyme - time after time
made millions laugh in Nantucket... ( wait a minute - how did that get in there? )

Great stuff - thanks so much

Sis

Sis

Bob met Ann's nymphomaniac sister
and found that he couldn't resist her.
Ann was annoyed
'cause Bob had enjoyed
Sis's charms, though Bob claims he just kissed her.

Sis is another classic Bob & Ann limerick that once graced my personal web pages.  It is one of the only ones where Bob appears to come out on top.  I suspect that he will get the worst of it later.

Homesick

Homesick

Today I took a little stroll
downtown to the Old Capital.
That golden dome
makes me wish I was home
instead of in this Hawkeye hell hole.

I have always liked Iowa City and the University of Iowa.  I've been a fan of some of their great athletes and coaches (especially Dan Gable).  But I went to Iowa State, so I'll always like it a little more (unless someday my grandsons get on the Hawkeye wrestling team)!

Mimi the Mime

Mimi the Mime

When I met Mimi once upon a time,
I thought we had something sublime.
But with her face painted white
she gave me a fright!
She never told me that she was a mime.

The last line of  Mimi the Mime is from a Weird Al Yankovic song that inspired this limerick.  Yes, dear readers, I am a fan of Weird Al.

St. Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's Day

I hope that somehow today
a valentine may find its way
into your heart
just as a start
and maybe it will decide to stay!

Happy valentine's day dear readers!

The Boss

The Boss

When Annie and Bob's boss retired,
to replace him, Annie was hired.
Ann gave Bob the axe.
"Your performance is lax
at home and at work, Bob, you're fired."

I cannot help but feel sorry for Bob.  The Boss is another classic Ann & Bob limerick that once graced the pages of my now defunct  familyweb web page. 

Just a Friend

Just a Friend

Ann said, "I want you Bob - but just as a friend."
Now Bob's broken heart never will mend.
Bob's bubble is busted
because he has lusted
after Ann's callipygian rear end.

If you read Just a Friend carefully while cautiously perusing this poetry, you may recognize the redundancy.  Bob as usual gets the worst of it.

The Peerage

The Peerage

When the peerage connects to your family tree
it gets quite tangled as you will see.
You'll find that dozens
got married to cousins
and descended from Charlemagne you'll be!

I have been interested in family history for a few years now.  The web site Geni has several speculative links between famous people and me that take me through British royalty back to historical figures like Charlemagne and Cleopatra.  It is interesting but unfortunately insubstantial.  I need more documentation before I believe it.

Geni was once rated one of the best free sites on the internet.  It now has restricted its free membership to the extent that it is no longer useful and I can no longer recommend it.

Tian Tian

Tian Tian

Mr. President, here's an idea for you,
take Malia & Sasha to the national zoo!
Or does it cause rage
that Tian Tian in his cage
lives the same sort of life that you do?

Will I ever run out of limericks?  I guess it is possible but yesterday's and today's are both new so that pushes it back a couple of days.  Tian Tian is about living in a fishbowl whether you are a Panda or a President!

Viagra Niagara

Viagra Niagara

To give a woman a thrill
takes a little more than just skill.
"Can't rise to the call?"
There's no need to bawl
but you might need a little blue pill.

Perhaps Viagra Niagara could be classified with my other medically themed limericks?  I'll ask my niece who's going to med school.

Newton's Laws

Newton's Laws

The people of Britain cry,
"Why did our princess have to die?"
The royals are fools
if they ignore common rules.
The Laws of Sir Isaac still apply.

Newton's Laws is about Royals (and sport stars and celebrities) who think that they are special and that the rules that apply to ordinary people do not apply to them.  Well guess what?  At least some of them do!

Free Sample

Free Sample

Robert asked, "How much will I get
for $50?", when he and Ann had just met.
"This sample is free."
Ann crushed Bob's knee.
"Ask again and I'll aim higher yet.

Free Sample is another classic Bob & Ann limerick retrieved from my old web pages.

Fine Dining

Fine Dining

We often dined at a pub, the Rathskeller.
It once had a reputation quite stellar.
'Til the chef was arrested
even though he protested,
"Your honor, I'm not a rat seller."

Once again I remind you dear readers that my limericks are works of fiction!  The RAThSkELLER restaurant depicted in Fine Dining does not exist.  It is an unfortunate coincidence that the very fine Rathskeller restaurant in a city where I one resided has the words "rat" & "seller" embedded in its name which inspired me to compose this limerick.

Bill's Mistake

Bill's Mistake

Oops! Bill made a stain on Monica's dress.
He said, "I'm sorry I made such a mess."
"That's okay, Bill, your goof
is genetic proof
for the lawsuit that I'm going to press."

This one is a little dated but I think, dear readers, that it can still be appreciated.

Baby

Baby

Ann's baby confused the M.D.
when Robert he first did see.
The child crawled back in.
Doc said, "Look a twin!"
"Oh joy! I can double my fee."

Poor Robert always gets the worst of it!  Baby was written for friends when they were expecting their first child.  The names were changed to protect the innocent.

Complaint

Complaint

"Once a month," said Bob with a tear.
"Won't be enough." His cry hurt my ear.
"I empathize with your pain.
but please don't complain!
Ann's cut me back to just six times a year."

I admit that this one does not not stand alone very well.  To fully appreciate it, dear reader, you should be aware of my larger body of work and remember that Bob (or Robert) & Ann (or Annie) frequently appear and are a couple.

The Organic Farmer's Nightmare

The Organic Farmer's Nightmare

His plants are green. He's full of bliss.
Compost is turned. Nothing's amiss.
When a moldy blight
wilts the crop overnight,
he dreams of a fungicide mist.

 

Happy groundhog day dear readers!  Today's limerick was written for an organic farmer, my son-in-law.  I hope that it did not really give him nightmares.

Unfair

Unfair

I can tell you that life isn't fair.
My girl wants a rich billionaire.
I lust for Kate.
but Kate wants Bill Gates,
even though Bill has microsoftware.

The last time I was in Washington DC, I stopped by the back of the treasury building and watched them load up the truckloads of money that they haul off to Bill's garage.